It's the Little Things...

We have a newspaper in the Peace Corps in Panama that goes out quarterly. Since I started one of my goals was to submit an article and finally, my last month in country I did. So I thought I'd share it with all of you...

When I got to Panama I thought I was going to change the world. I thought that by the time I left, everyone in my site would be speaking English. No, seriously. You’re probably thinking, “Aw that’s cute, Sydney. What a naïve baby child.” Two years of hard labor in Panama will teach you a lot. First, you can’t come in and just do huge things de una vez. So I have to keep reciting over and over again my favorite quote from Mother Teresa: “We can do no great things, only small things with great love.” This motto will forever be etched on my heart, and Panama has definitely reinforced it. Anyone who knows me well has probably heard me say this once, or more like one hundred million times. But when I think about my Peace Corps experience that is just the phrase that comes to mind.

Of course we do great things here: we build latrines and aqueducts, teach English classes, build libraries, give various charlas about things from teaching people to not poop in rivers to teaching them how to put on condoms. We plant gardens and protect turtles and iguanas, we start recycling projects and paint world maps. But are those really the things for which our communities will remember us? My guess is no.

My guess is they will remember us for the small things we did with great love. They will remember the time we wore a pollera and lead the 3^rd of November parade. They will remember the time we made a fool of ourselves dancing at bailes or trying to speak ngabere. Or that one time we tripped and fell, which they still laugh about. They will remember us for our smiles, our laughs, the way we can’t manage to roll our rrs, or the Halloween party we threw for the kids. They will remember us for the small things.

And we probably won’t remember them for the great things they did. We will remember them for the small things they did: giving us heaping plates of arroz con pollo, telling stories about the past, regalaring bananas. The one time they came and helped us with the latrine building project or that time they came to the health charla and actually participated. The one time my counterpart told me, “the world needs more people like you.” The one time they threw us a birthday party or walked with us to pasear. We will remember them for the small things.

The memories of Panama I will take with me probably won’t be the great things either. It will be the small things. All the times the kids came to my house to play Uno or read my books; the hours sitting with my neighbors hearing about how it’s going to rain or it’s really hot; the times spent in the river with everyone; when Chelsea and I made fruit dryers at my house; the times at Santa Clara, Las Lajas or Bocas beaches with other Peace Corps volunteers; all the times I saw grandmas with shirts in English with things like “don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me;” the one time I made chili and corn bread at my house and took like 15 pictures of the meal because I was so proud; the day Austin, Kim and I built my shower. We will remember Panama for the small things.

The Peace Corps is full of great memories and friends, but in the end, honestly it’s all the little things that add up to make the experience great: the small gifts from friends and neighbors, the small successes in projects, the hugs from students. I will never forget my experience here and the small things that I did and received with great love.

For those PCVs that still have most of their service left, my advice to you is to not make such a big deal about the great things, but instead focus on the small things. Remember the love you received from the people around you: other volunteers, neighbors, students, the random pavo on the bus who doesn’t make you pay full price. (Insert inspirational music here.) Peace Corps can be frustrating and lonely sometimes, but when we celebrate the little things, I guarantee your service will be happier and you will feel more loved and blessed. I couldn’t ask for better memories from Panama and I will definitely miss this place. Although my suitcase will be pretty empty because I’m going to be leaving most of my dirty, smelly, holey, moldy clothes here, it will be forever full of the memories and things that can’t be seen but that I will carry with me wherever I go. So thanks Mama Teri for your wise words. And now my challenge to each and every one of you (and me as I go back to the good ol’ U.S. of A.) is to go out and do small things with great love. I dare you.

The Final Countdown

Well clearly writing lots of blog posts is not my forte. It seems like whenever I write one I think, ok so I should write another one soon so 5 months won’t go before I write the next one…Oops, it has been 5 months since my last one! Sorry everyone.

Anyway, a quick recap of the last few months:

May and June were honestly really hard months for me. I got 3 bacterial infections at once (2 caused the other one) and the doctors couldn’t figure out what it was. I was barely able to walk and had to cancel a bunch of my activities as well as not run the half marathon for which I was training. It was a time of lots of frustration, confusion and meltdowns, but luckily I have wonderful family and friends in the States and in Panama who took care of me and showed me so much love. The one good thing that happened during this time was that I was elected as treasurer of the Gender and Diversity directive (GAD) for Peace Corps/Panama. We do a lot of work with women and children to empower them including camps and seminars for junior high and high school students on how to reach their goals, how to be a leader, and sexual health and domestic violence and nutrition seminars for women.

Then end of July to beginning of August I went home for the first time since coming to Panama. I got to be at my grandma’s 90^th birthday with 30+ family members for my dad’s side of the family. I also saw a bunch of family and friends in Santa Barbara, went to the beach, ate lots of Mexican food, and got to ride my bike. Then my parents, sister, and I took a road trip to Utah for my cousin’s wedding, another event with lots of family, this time from my mom’s side. We had so much fun since we rented 2 houses near each other and reunited as a huge family for the first time in like 5 years! The main takeaway I had from this trip is that the U.S. is overwhelming and going to definitely be an adjustment when I get back, but also that family and friends are invaluable and I really need them in my life.

At the end of August, I had my birthday including 5 cakes! First all the kids who love to play at my house got me a cake and we had a party. Then, the teachers at school got me a cake and threw me a party. I also made a cake in a dutch oven and celebrated with my neighbors (basically my family in Panama). Then the 5^th graders threw me a “surprise” party. I say “surprise” in quotes because almost every single one of them told me they were going to have a party for me but to not tell anyone that they told me and to act surprised. Lastly, my boyfriend Austin surprised me for my birthday the next weekend. And he actually did surprise me. He rented a car, picked up some of our friends and took me to a town 6 hours away called Boquete. The rest of my friends were waiting for me. I had NO idea it was coming and I was so surprised when I saw all my friends I literally fell on the ground. It was embarrassing. And that leads us to now.

Well, I have almost exactly 6 months of service left. Wow. How did I get here? Now is the time when the panic is setting in. I keep having moments of “I’m not doing enough” or “I should be doing more.” And no matter how many times people tell me “Sydney, you’re doing so much for your town. Stop worrying!” I can’t stop from worrying. I feel that that’s one thing about who I am that at least for me is a good thing. It motivates me to never settle. To never feel like I should stop trying because there will always be more to do. Although I may be only one drop in the bucket, without that drop it would be a little less empty. So, until I leave Panama I’m going to keep filling that bucket with my drop of love, peace, and smiles. Hay que echar pa’lante as they say here. There are a few things that I’m most proud of since coming to Panama.

One of them is the relationships I have built with the kids in my town. As one volunteer said after beginning at my house for a weekend, “you’re literally like a foster mom of all the kids in your town. They get yelled at and ignored at their houses, so they come to your house to be a kid, play, and be loved.” Although I would definitely not say that they don’t get loved at home, I really have been blessed to have kids come to my house all the time. Although sometimes it’s so crowded with kids drawing or playing Uno that I can’t walk or even think, I love being the place the kids go when they want to be loved. Since most of the families have 12 or so kids, they are often just one in the bunch and coming to my house is their escape to play. Although they probably get annoyed with me always asking them what they want to do when they grow up and that they should continue to study so that they can get there (and not get pregnant in the process!), I like to think that in some small way I am helping to prepare them for the future and make them the smart, caring adults I envision them all being.

Another thing I’m proud of is my work with the Gender and Diversity directive. As I mentioned early I am the treasurer, and although accounting is not my passion, working with the committee is. Just last week, I helped at a Sports Camp where we gave informational presentations to high school students on nutrition, health, reaching their goals and going to university, and HIV/AIDS in the morning and played sports in the afternoon. I absolutely love doing these camps because I get to use my energy and craziness to impact the youth of Panama. I’ve done a few of these camps now (a general GAD camp, a dance camp, and now the sports camp), and whenever I see a student “getting it” or changing over the course of the week and makes me feel like my time in Panama is not being spent in vain. We are also planning multiple events in the month of November for World AIDS day on December 1^st. This will end with a huge flash mob in the bus terminal of Panama City on December 1^st. I could not be more excited.

The other thing I’m proud of here is the library I’m creating. When I got to El Higo, the school had a “library” but the only books in there were textbooks from the government. The literacy rate is really low and kids hardly ever read because they don’t have access to books. So, I applied a received a grant from the U.S. government to buy books and create a library. This hasn’t been easy considering I’m still waiting on books I order 5 months ago, but it’s so rewarding to see kids get excited about the idea of leaving. This library will far outlast my time in Panama and I hope that it will change the lack of reading in El Higo.

So for now, although I will never change the world on my own and never feel like I’m doing enough to make a difference, I will never stop trying J

I'm Gonna Make This House Your Home

Well, I’ve officially been in Panama for 15 and a half months. When I think about that, I wonder to myself, “how did this happen? The time has flown by!” But then I think about how many sweaty days or pouring rain days I have tromped to school to teach and I realize, “oh wait ya now I remember…it has been a long time!” My friend, Lindsey, recently introduced me to a song called “Home” by Philip Philips (poor guy! His parents had a terrible sense of humor!). If you’ve never heard this song, it a beautiful folky song and the lyrics say “trouble it can always be found, if you get lost you can always be found. Just know you’re not alone. I’m gonna make this house your home.” I’ve been listening to it a lot in the past few months thinking about what defines “home” for me. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that although I’m in a foreign land surrounded by foreign people speaking a foreign language, I am home. I have my parents here (not to replace the irreplaceable Wendy and Carter of course!) but my neighbors, Rosa and Moyo, care for me and treat me as if I was their own daughter. I am always at their house, they call me their hija mia, Moyo help me with everything from building a shower to putting up curtains, and Rosa feeds me like crazy just like every good Latina mama does. Then there are all my aunts and uncles. Every parents and teacher in the school who worries about me, brings me gives of mangos and bananas, asks me for the thousandth time why I walk so much and if it snows where I live in the States, and just truly shows me love. And of course if you don’t know yet, Panama has changed me. Since arriving, I now have over 200 children! Yes, every one of my students is like a daughter or son to me. I worry about them, spend extra time helping them with their English work, get upset with them, and laugh and act silly with them. Overall, I definitely have my weird but wonderful family here.

I also feel at home because of the work I’m doing. Although I still have days of thinking “what the !@#$%^ am I doing here?!” they have gotten less frequent and I feel more at ease. I am teaching English Monday through Thursday and since it’s year 2 in the school I feel a lot more comfortable in the classroom and I love getting to do fun dynamic activities with the students. My latest endeavor in the classroom is having my 6^th grade students write letters in “English” to my dad’s class in the States. When I say English I use this term very loosely. Let me share a short excerpt from one letter and I quote: “I like the snow to skate in she to find inspiration for to ballet dance.” If anyone can figure out what this means please let me know! J But that has been super fun to see how excited the kids are to actually try to apply their English to a context outside of tests and games in class. Outside of school, on Fridays I teach an exercise class for the mothers and women in my community as well as an English reading class for the first graders. Both of these classes bring me great joy. I am teaching two things I love, exercise and reading to a group of people who don’t do much of either. Another thing that is difficult but I’m excited for the end result, is that I received a grant to start an English/Spanish library at my school. I’m currently in the process of getting these books from different NGOs in the States and man it’s a lot of work, but it will be worth it in the end! The only book most students have in their house is a Bible, so giving them access to fun picture books in English and Spanish and helping them to read (I have some 6^th graders that still can’t read!) will make all the paperwork and logistics work worth it. The last thing I’m doing is more of an Environmental project than English, but I can’t wait to see it begin. We are starting a recycling project in my school! Most of the trash in my town is burnt because there’s no trash collection system, but about a half hour down the road is a recycling center where we can take the recycled materials from my school, so I thought why not! I’m going to teach lessons on what is recyclable and what is not, why recycling is important, and how this system works. Hopefully the kids will get excited (I mean whichever class wins gets a popcorn party which is a huge treat here!) and all of us will have to suffer less toxic smoke from all the trash and recycling that gets burnt. Something that I get great joy from in my own house is a fruit dehydrator a friend, Chelsea, and I made. I am now drying mangos and apples all the time! Guess this hot sun in Panama is good for something other than making me sweat!

The last reason why I feel like Panama has changed from “house” to “home” is because of my Peace Corps family. I feel so incredibly blessed to have many wonderful close friendships with volunteers here. I don’t know what I would do without them. I have laughed and cried and had crazy experiences with them and I know that some of these friendships will last a lifetime. Our latest adventure was going to the beach for our one year in Panama party. This included lots of surfing and beaching, and of course as every good party should have, a talent show in which a group of us choreographed a dance and rapped the song “Look at me now.” This is a rap song in which they talk super fast, and if I do say so myself, it was quite impressive.

So I encourage each of you wherever you are to think about what makes where you live not just a house but a home. Is it your job? Your family? Your friends? Take time to think about this and be grateful for all the incredible blessing around you. I know that I’ve sure been trying!

Love you and miss you all! I’d love to hear why you find your house so home-y so please email me or post a comment here J

The Morgans take over Panama...or Panama takes over the Morgans

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year family and friends!
This is just a little update to let you know about the wonderful visit I had from my parents and sister over the holidays. I hadn't seen them in almost a year, which is the longest I've ever gone without seeing them so it was pretty crazy to see them. I ran like a crazy person through the airport when I saw both my sister (she came 4 days later) and when I got my parents. People probably thought I was crazy, but whatever I just wanted to hug them. Since I'm a "diplomat" (ya not a big deal, ya know just pretty important and this country couldn't run without me) I get to pick people up directly from the gate, so it was pretty sweet to act like I was a big deal and meet my parents and sisters at their gate when they were getting off the plane. The 4 days I had with my sister, we mostly hung out in my town with my people, went caroling with the kids in town trying to learn the words to Christmas songs in Spanish, built a rancho (small house with palm fronds on top) for the nativity scene, went to my beach, and Kelly learned how to make tamales from my neighbor. Then, we went to Panama City to pick up my parents. The first night my parents were there we all stayed in my house, which is literally one room with a kitchen, bed, living room combined into one. But, if you're thinking of visiting me, it's a great size and very luxurious! You pretty much feel like you're staying in the fanciest Hilton ever, minus...well everything fancy about it. It was fun to have all of us in one house and be altogether after 11 and a half months apart. All night (and the rest of the trip pretty much) my mom kept saying how much she liked the weather and how it was so warm and my dad kept saying that it was way too hot The next day we picked up Austin from a nearby town and then my friend Kimber for her community and went to a beach house we rented in Las Lajas, Chiriqui. That house was sick! The house was complete with its very own not helpful and not really doing anything native housekeeper! (Long story.) The next few days were filled with games, beach, hanging out at the house, Christmas presents, watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and lots of cooking and laughing. It was great for my family to get to meet some of the people I'm closest to in Peace Corps and we had a lot of fun. We also spent one day hiking in the mountains and trying to take self-timer family pictures by putting the camera on rocks and fences and whatever else we could find. It was pretty funny and I almost fell more than once running over to try to get in the picture in time (go figure!). Then we went back to my community and spent the next few days meeting all my friends. It was crazy going from house to house and we didn't get to go to everyone I wanted to, but it was a start. Maybe when they come back next year we can finish meeting all the people...yes mom and dad and shameless just announced that you're coming back next year, so now you have to :) I think my favorite part was watching Kelly interact with one of the 4 year olds who lives near me. He's the cutest thing and while we were hanging out with his aunt, he took Kelly to meet his parents and told her he wanted her to stay forever. As we were leaving their house he yelled after her, "Portate bien, Kelly!" which means "behave yourself," which is what all of the adults tell the little kids. We also got to visit my neighbors' family in a nearby town and go swimming in a river. My neighbors are like my Panamanian parents, so it was crazy to watch my two lives come together and see my parents interacting with my Panamanian family. After this, it was off to Panama City for one night (part of which we spent returning our rental car for about 2 hours and me yelling about how I hate Panama...not true but heat of the moment, you know how it is). Then, we got picked up at 5:30 am to go to a group of islands in the Caribbean side of Panama. This place looks like a real-life version of a computer background. It was so beautiful and relaxing! If any of you want to come to visit I will take you there. That's a promise. We basically just hung out on the beach there for 4 days meeting the other guests on the island (we were one of about 15 people staying in huts on this tiny island), went snorkling and saw incredible bright fish...like the ones you see in the dentist's office but actually for real out in the ocean!, read a lot, and ate lots of rice with coconut for just about every meal (the native people who own and run the island make all the meals, so of course it was very Panamanian with lots of rice). This was the best visit I could have had, and although it was a different Christmas and New Years than any I've ever had, it was better than I imagined. When my parents got here, they kept saying "now this is the only trip we'll make to Panama while you're here, Sydney." As the trip went on they started saying, "so hypothetically if we came to Panama next year..." and by the end of the trip they were saying, "hopefully we can come back next year..." So see you next year mama, daddy, and Kelly! :)
Hope you all had a great Christmas and New Years and no matter how or where you spent it, remember the most important thing isn't where you are but who you're with. Here we go 2013! Bring it on...it can't be as crazy as 2012!

What I'm thankful for...

Hi friends! Yes I know, I haven’t written in a while!! I’m sorry. I know that you all just sit by your computers refreshing my blog page waiting for my new posts so I’m so sorry to keep you waiting J The last few months have been full of travel and fun! I went to Bocas del Toro in October and stayed on a beautiful island, marched in 5 parades in November for the many independence days Panama celebrates, went to visit my good friend Tess who is in the Peace Corps in Paraguay, and celebrated Thanksgiving with about 150 volunteers in the mountains of Panama. So it’s been busy and fun but also challenging as the last trimester of school means that literally half the days are vacation and barely any teaching and learning gets done. The students and teachers both love this, but for me, it is frustrating to see how much time gets wasted and how much more the kids could learn in the last months of school. Now, I am getting ready for my sister to come in a few days and my parents to come right before Christmas. Since all but about 4 of the volunteers are going home for Christmas, I’m excited to at least be with my family for Christmas even if I’m not going home. So there’s a short update on what’s been happening in Panama. The rest is just ramblings on what I’ve been thinking about recently. If you were just looking for a little Sydney update, you can stop reading now, but if you want a little peak into the crazy mind of Sydney feel free to keep reading…

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the basic things I take for granted in the States and what I don’t have here. Not that I am lacking in anything because I feel perfectly content here, but just the difference between basic needs in the U.S. and in Panama. I think this is one of the big problems I had in the States. My idea of basic needs was way bigger and more complete than here and that complicates life. For example, a washing machine, dryer, internet, and a car always seemed like necessities for me in the U.S. Here, I don’t have any of those and I’m getting along just fine. Without these things it may take me more time to do laundry, get somewhere, or find out information I need, but that’s the beauty in it. No instant gratification. I have more time because my life isn’t so cluttered. I enjoy taking the time to hand wash and line dry my clothes, walk everywhere, and have to go to another town to use the internet. It makes me feel more connected to other people and accomplished after finishing my laundry or walking really far to get to someone’s house to visit. I get joy out of the little things and I am content. Spending a day walking around visiting neighbors or doing laundry and cooking is a day filled with accomplishments. My idea of what a productive day looks like has changed and become less complicated.

There are a few basic things for which I am very grateful in the U.S. though. For example, most days for most or part of the day, my water goes out. That means that washing clothes, cooking, showering, cleaning and most basic things have to be put off. I always have a full tank of water for when this happens, but it’s amazing how quickly one tank of water can be used; and I’m just one person. I can’t imagine a big family of 8-10 trying to do everything with one small tank of water. I don’t think I have ever really experienced a lack of water, which is a crazy statement considering most of the world lives daily with this problem. Every morning the first thing I do when I get up is check to see if I have running water. When I do, I thank God for that water. What a difference from how I used to thank God for a nice apartment, but didn’t even realize that I should be thanking God for the running water. It’s just something we usually don’t think about. You turn the faucet and water will come out right? What perfect timing too. As I’m writing this, the water just came back on. How perfect! I’m literally smiling. It’s been out since last night. Let’s be honest I haven’t showered in a while and I sweat A LOT here, so now I’m happy. And content. It’s amazing the little things that make me happy now. And after I shower I will feel accomplished. My mentality has totally changed and I’m ok with that. Who knows what will happen when I got home, but for now I am home and happy and grateful for the things I have. The motto of Peace Corps is “the toughest job you’ll ever love.” I think part of why it is tough is that we have to learn to be ok with living in a radically different way than we’re used to in the U.S. And it may be tough (sometimes really tough) but I could not imagine doing any other job right now and I sure love it!

Thoughts and happenings

**Warning: This post is going to be profound and wise due to the fact that I have gone from 23 years old to 24 years old since the last post. Oh and it's long.** Turning 24 was so fun! It started with a friend from my Peace Corps group surprising me at school on the 23^rd. He lives all the way up in Bocas del Toro, which is 12 hours away by bus so it was sweet of him to come down (and he brought me a huge bunch of like 50 bananas from his house!). We had a lot of fun building a shower at my house, doing crosswords, and talking with my neighbors. Then Saturday, my friend Kim came and the three of us, after teaching an energetic English class in my community in the morning (including acting out a story), went to Panama City to pick up three of my best friends who came in from the States to celebrate. What a big gift! Sarah came in Saturday night and so Austin, Kim, another friend Andrew, Sarah and I celebrated in the hostel. Kim and Andrew even made a cake! Sunday morning, my actual birthday, we went to a creperie for breakfast and I had a crepe with spinach in it, which I miss soooooo much. Then we had a Panama miracle: I told my other two friends, Ali and Lauren, who were flying in from the States to meet us at the bus terminal, which I realized after telling them was a terrible idea. The terminal is huge and literally has thousands of people walking around it in (think Grand Central Station or something). But, by the time I realized what a bad idea this was, it was too late because they were on their way and had no phone or anything. So, we roll up in the bus and just as we are stopping, I see them. I tell Sarah and we take off running. It was a Panama miracle for real! Then, we went to my friend Catherine’s house. I go to her house a lot because she’s my closest volunteer, so her community knows me too. She organized a whole birthday party for me and the community showed up! They made food (including really spicy peppers which they enjoyed watching me eat), we danced, they set off fireworks, and they absolutely loved my gringa friends I brought (I mean who wouldn’t? What entertainment!). The next few days were crazy because I had class every morning and I had to sneak around my tiny house getting ready while my friends slept. It was also English week at school which meant lots of extra fun activities so I was really busy at school! In the afternoons, we went on adventures including a natural hot springs where we covered ourselves with mud (two of my Panamanian coworkers went too, which was so funny!), ziplining, a hike to a waterfall, and the beach. Then, Thursday, because they decided to cancel school (per usual) we went on a long trip to the beach at Las Lajas. Side note: we had another Panama miracle getting a direct bus to Las Lajas in less than a minute; it usually takes me at least a half hour! Anyway, this is an absolutely beautiful beach and even though it’s 4 to 5 hours by bus, I go there whenever possible! We stayed there from Thursday to Saturday when I said a tearful good-bye (oh how the Panamanians stared) to my friends as they headed back to Panama City to leave. I stayed with a group of about 10 Peace Corps friends at the beach until Sunday to celebrate my birthday and had a great time! This past week, I also had my second week off of school, so I was able to go visit a few of my friends’ at their new houses. We had a lot of fun just catching up and I got to help build fogónes (mud stoves), pasear, and help with a fundraiser. Then, on Wednesday I had a meeting with other volunteers in Panama, and Austin came down from Bocas for the rest of the week. We just paseared, did crosswords, cooked, and went to the beach; a very relaxing break. So now, I’m reenergized and ready to start on the home stretch of school (which ends in December and doesn’t start again until end of February).

With a new trimester, I’m also starting a new chapter in teaching. My co-teacher who I work with every other week and also is one of my best friends in the community, is leaving for 5 weeks to do her practica (student teaching) to be licensed to teach 7-9^th grade. So, every other week, I will be teaching alone until she comes back. She said I don’t have to, but I feel that I am here and am willing and able to do it. Why should these kids be punished because their teacher can’t come for 5 weeks? Also, if you’re saying “Why don’t they have a substitute teacher come?” Well, if Panama had substitute teachers that would work really well wouldn’t it? But, they don’t. Anyway, I’m looking forward to another challenge and if I don’t run out crying every day, I will call it a success and celebrate. I’ll let you know… Another thing, my latest excitement in teaching has been reading stories to the class. First I pre-teach the necessary vocab., then I read the story in English while acting it out, asks critical thinking/tracking questions, and then we summarize it. The kids absolutely LOVE it and get really excited when we finish and I remind them that they just understood a whole book in English! So, if any of you have very basic English kids picture books and you have been just waiting for me to ask you to send them, this is your chance :) I would love to have any and all books you have. I am currently applying for a grant through Peace Corps to get books shipped here, but that will take a while. So if you would like to, please mail books to:

Sydney Morgan

Cuerpo de Paz, Clayton

Ciudad del Saber

Calle Victor Iglesias, Edificio 240, 4to Piso

Panama City, Panama

Ok now is the part where I’m gonna transition from what I’ve been doing to what I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, so feel free to stop here if you don’t wanna enter the crazy world of Sydney’s head.

I’ve been reading a few books lately that have really made me think. One of them is called Serve God, Save the Planet by J. Matthew Sleeth, MD. My bestie, Sarah, brought it when she came down last month. Although it’s a Christian book, it’s basically a call to all people no matter what religion, to care for and about our planet and the environment. Every time I read this book, it gets me pamped (pumped and amped) and inspired to do more to help our Mother Earth, but then a little dishearted. Yes, I am doing my part in terms of walking everywhere in my town, not using much electricity and water (especially when either or both go out for days on end), and trying not to create a lot of trash. But, is it enough? No matter what I do, I always still have trash. And all trash gets burned here. Even though I don’t burn it myself, any trash I put in other trashcans will be burnt eventually. And recycle? If I meet a Panamanian who can tell me what that means and how to do it, I will let you know. And how can I justify traveling up to 12 hours in bus to visit my Peace Corps friends? That’s a ton of gas! This book had one line that really struck me “what do a hundred, or a million compassionate thoughts accomplish?” This is so true. I find myself so often thinking of how much I would love to do to save our environment, but what do I end up doing? Not too much. But therein lies the dilemma. I can’t save all my trash and recycling for the next year and a half and carry it back to the U.S. to be dealt with in a better way (which is still not always the best). So despite all my lofty thoughts and ideas, I feel rather helpless down here trying to figure out what to do. Am I supposed to try to change the whole country, start a trash collection system, recycling plants, etc.? Unless I change the whole system, I feel like I am just another cog in the gas guzzling and ozone killing machine that is Panama. Any suggestions or thoughts about this would be much appreciated.

Another book I have been reading talks a lot about serving others. This makes me think about what it looks like to serve one another, and what is the line between serving others and being walked all over? As a volunteer, my goal is to give all that I have and am to the people here. To love them, share my life, culture and material things with them, and serve them in whatever ways I can and they need. As a teacher, my goal is to give everything as well but in a different way. To share my love, knowledge, English skills with students, teaching skills with teachers, and help the students and teachers in any other ways. But where does it end? I don’t want the people to feel they can take advantage of my generosity, but I also don’t want to be unapproachable. So what does this look like? I honestly have no idea. I wish I did. Am I really here to serve others at all or just for a glorified adventurous vacation in a beautiful country? Hmm. To get a little religious-y on you, I want to be like Jesus and give myself freely to those around me. Obviously, He sacrificed the biggest thing possible, His life, but I want to be able to give of myself in whatever ways I can. Every time I say no to something or someone here, I feel like I’m not serving others and being selfish. But at the same time, I justify it by saying that I need time for myself. Is this legitimate? I don’t know. In the book I’m reading it says, “Service is less a task or series of tasks than an attitude of obedience.” I also feel that sometimes I do something like teach or help my neighbor with building his house in order to get praise or be recognized, which becomes less about serving and more about an ego boost. I love what St. Teresa of Avila once wrote about the way we should live. “God has no body now on earth but yours, no hands but yours, no feet but yours. Yours are the eyes through which he looks with compassion on the world. Yours are the feet with which he is to go about doing good. And yours are the hands with which he is to bless us now.” I just hope that I can actually do and be this way. I guess I have a year and a half to figure it out.

Until next time, thanks for all your love and positivity! I miss and love all of you! Also, if you have facebook, you can check out some of my recent pictures from my friends’ trip here. So much fun!

Sydney

The month of firsts

So this past month has been filled with many firsts.

My first visitor: Technically it wasn’t a visitor from the States, but it was even better. My friend Tess, from Santa Barbara who is currently serving in Peace Corps Paraguay came to visit! It was so great to see her! Since she’s good friends with both me and our other friend Kayla who’s in PC Panama with me, the three of us adventured our way around Panama together. It started with a nice time at the beach during my week-long school break. Then it continued with river rafting up by Kayla’s site. That was crazy fun! I had never been river rafting, but a volunteer doing tourism in PC Panama, started river rafting with the locals in his community. We only had one “man overboard” situations, and that was Tess within the first 30 seconds in the boat before we really hit any rapids. Yes, we made fun of her for the rest of the trip. J Lastly, Tess and Kayla came to my site. They got to go to my school and teach an impromptu and very chaotic class game, meet some members of my community, eat hummus and burritos and make cookies! We shared lots of laughter, good conversations, and a few tears too. Tess is an amazingly strong woman and although she has had some struggles in her experience in Paraguay, I am so proud of all that she is doing there. I know that she is making a difference and although it was tough to see her go back to Paraguay, they are very lucky to have her back.

My first school break: At the beginning of June, we had our first week-long school break. The Panamanian school system has two week-long trimester breaks during the school year. Since we hadn’t seen many other volunteers, a big group of us decided to meet up at a beach that was central to everyone, and conveniently located only 20 minutes from my site. Before the beach, another volunteer came to my site to visit and I had lots of fun showing him my town, school, and friends in town as well as a cool area nearby with lots of hiking and a hot springs. During his visit, there was also a celebration at my school for “el dia de la etnia negra” (basically black history day in Panama). There was lots of food, dancing, and cultural activities, which was fun for both of us to see. Then we all met up at the beach. The whole group stayed at the beach for a total of 5 days playing in the water, camping, catching up and just enjoying being together. I admit it was hard to go back to site after being with everyone at such a beautiful beach.

My first teaching experience: Although I have been in my school for over 4 months, the first three were spent observing the teachers and classroom setting. That way I could figure out the best ways to help the teachers and figure out what we need to work on together as co-teachers. So, this month, I started teaching for real. It has been challenging and fun at the same time. Most of Panamanian teaching involves writing things on the board and having the students copy. Then the students have to memorize what they copied and have a test on it. So, I try to bring in other activities and games to make the classroom more fun and interactive. My biggest challenge is classroom management because the students and classroom setting in Panama is pretty dang chaotic! Also if you have any fun activities or games that you know of for learning English or fun activities in general please let me know! I’m always looking for new ideas.

My first house: This is a big one for me! I officially moved into my house a week or so ago. It’s been exciting to settle in and get to know my new neighbors and area of town. I love the community! The first day that I got here, I already started hanging out with the kids and I’ve had fun playing volleyball, jumping rope and getting to know new people. My landlord is the nicest lady. Her house is right behind mine and she is always bringing me food, and making sure I’m settling in ok. I hang out at her house with her husband, mom, daughter and her daughters 3 kids who also go to my school. They are a wonderful family and have been very welcoming. I feel at home with them around and very safe. Especially because they have a dog that is literally the size of a small pony that likes to hang out in front of my house. He’s super sweet but looks menacing so criminals beware! My “house” is really a one room building. It used to be a kiosko or small store, but my landlord and family converted it into a house for me, which took a lot of work and they did it all out of the goodness of their heart. I have a bed, stove, sink and small piece of furniture. Much of it has been loaned to me by wonderful people in town and I am amazed by peoples’ kindness. Out of the little that they have, they still find a way to give which is amazing to me. Whether it be fruit from their trees, a table from their living room, a ride when I’m walking home from school, or a traditional dish that they cook for me, I never feel short on love. The only downside to my new house is that it’s about a 40 minute walk from school. There are many kids that live by me and go to the school, so in the morning I’m able to get a ride, but in the afternoon, I leave school at weird times so I usually have to walk home. This isn’t a problem for me since I like to walk but when I have to go to school and home a few times a day, it adds up. But I am getting a new nickname out of it: La gringa que camina mucha or La gringa loca que le gusta caminar (the white girl who walks a lot or the the crazy white girl who likes to walk). It also gives me lots of time to think, which can be good and bad. I get lots of ideas for things in the community, but it can also make me think of people and things I miss. But then I get home or to school, depending on which way I’m walking, and am filled with joy and love by the students and community members. So, I am slowly settling in to my new house.

The first time living without a fridge and faraway bathroom: This isn’t as big an adjustment as I thought it would be, but it does make me have to get creative with certain foods. For example, no cheese and I’m using powdered milk, but this is where vegetarianism comes in handy because I have no meat to refrigerate. And my landlord feels badly that I don’t have a fridge, so she gives me cold water sometimes haha. My bathroom is also outside, which isn’t terrible, except when I have to pee in the night, which happens every night between 2 and 3. Then I have to trek out to my bathroom with a flashlight and pray I don’t see snakes. I really don’t think that there is any real threat of seeing a snake, but in my head, they are lurking everywhere! Every bush has one underneath waiting to strike my poor unsuspecting ankle; every stick is a snake stalking its prey: my foot. But other than that, I am very content with my house, just adjusting.

So, this month has been eventful, but wonderful. I am so grateful for the support of other volunteers here because we’re all going through the same adjustments of starting to teach, moving into our houses, and still figuring out Panamanian culture together. Their love, friendship, and listening has helped me a lot. And your support and love for me in the States has helped a lot too. Sorry that I write so infrequently, but having internet every 2 weeks or so makes it hard (excuses, excuses). Besos, abrazos, y sonrisas desde El Higo (kisses, hugs, and smiles from fig town), Sydney